My 25 college reunion dinner is coming this Friday - and while I am excited to see my good friends, the old insecure wallflower is coming out. It is a weird thing.
At work I am confident, able, knowledgeable, relied upon, even respected (who would have thought?). At home I am loved, sought after (by my son), and even a little bit feared (don't mess with me type of fear). With the people I see all the time I am LMS (little Mary sunshine) - always looking for the best, funny, fun, and solid.
But thinking about going to this dinner - I don't want to go in alone (even though I have traveled for work alone a lot) - I am sure that nobody will remember me (except for that core group of simply awesome people with whom I have kept in touch) - and I am nervous that people will remember me, but then think to themselves "what the hell happened to her?" and "why is she here alone - where is her husband?"
How do you tell people that your marriage sucks, and that your husband would rather do anything than go to a reunion dinner with you (or anything I consider important/fun). And that you are seriously thinking of telling said husband that he can just go piss up a rope (or on an electric fence (which he did as a teen)).
Anyway - that is going on in my head - and don't know to get it to stop...
Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum is my son. He is getting so big/funny/smart. He is in first grade, and a major part of the teaching is writing. They have this writers workshop that they do every week. The are not interested in spelling/grammar and such - just getting the kids to start writing - formulating stories, beginning-middle-end stuff and just writing. My son has always been the putzy kid who didn't finish or spent too much time drawing a picture to finish his story. Well, last night, after I tucked him into bed, he snuck downstairs and took a dry erase board and wrote the following:
MOMY I am awak dot git MaD wen you see tIs Not sIN Her Yus or No Put the asr IN the box weN You see tIs Not
Translation: Mommy, I am awake. Don't get mad when you see this note. Sign here yes or no. Put the answer in the box when you see this note.
The whole thing was he was trying to figure out if I was going to be mad that he was still awake. I was a bit upset - but still amazed at this note. I will try to figure out how to upload the photo I took of it once I get it downloaded from my camera. Way cool...
2 comments:
I'm not sure if you remember me; we met this summer at the HS graduation party of one of those college friends you wrote about. I had to let you know that this post really got to me. Most important, I think that note (the picture, the translation, the explanation) is completely amazing. I know my mom kept some of my stuff from that age range, and even though when I was growing up I thought it was silly/stupid, now I am thrilled again that she saw something there between the lines of my scribbles and earnestness.
I went to my 10th HS reunion married, overweight, in my second year of law school, feeling like a deep fraud, as if I was only pretending to be Successful and Mature and Over all the stuff that I clearly wasn't over. And I skipped my 20th HS reunion. I was divorced, still working the same 'temporary' job I'd had since law school ended, not quite down to fighting weight - and happier, really, than ever. I sort of wanted to go, but not enough to make the trip. In retrospect, I wish I had. The friends are what matters there.
This is a very rambling comment that's really only intended to say one thing: there's somebody out here reading what you're writing, giving a damn about what you're feeling, and caring what happens. Give our mutual friends a hug for me when you see them, please. :)
I do remember you - and thank you for your comment. Totally didn't expect it, but really appreciate it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I need to remember that I probably will not be the only one having self doubts. And I need to keep in mind that I have gone a lot further than I even imagined.
I will give hugs all around!
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