Anger

I was thinking during the night that I have too much anger in me. Why during the night - well, it becomes an easy time to think when the 3-year old decided to keep calling my name from 11:30PM - 2:30AM. I still don't know what his issue was, but he settled down after I finally caved and gave him some children's acetaminophen.

Anyway, as I said, I have too much anger. It is not from one source either - which makes for a challenge to figure out how to deal with it. The major source is my husband. He is very well aware that I am not happy with our relationship, yet he does not feel compelled to try to help make it better. Apparently he his happy with the situation and is not going to do anything to muck up what he thinks is working rather well. We pretty much go our seperate ways, I go errand running/visiting and such with Gunga (the 3-year old) every night and every weekend. The husband works nights (10PM - 6AM) usually M-F with weekends off. However, if I am home he is incapable of staying awake. The strange thing is that, when I am gone errand running, he seems to have boundless energy and goes here and there visiting his friends/family and doing what he likes. I still don't know how we got to this arrangement - but it makes me angry that I am not important enough in his life to stay awake for, or even spend time with.

Another source of anger is my older brothers. If you weren't totally confused by the last entry - I commend you. If you were - here is a brief (HA) recap:

I have 4 brothers - 3 older - 1 younger.
The oldest passed away last month - rather unexpectedly. He was regarded in our family as the "know it all" and had an answer/solution for everything.
The next oldest is married with 3 children. All of them seem to have lost their social skills (provided they had any to begin with . . .). He was "shadow boy" - always trying to outshine "know it all" and prove he was just as smart and deserving. He probably always felt like he got the short end of the stick.
The brother just older than me is the middle child. He is married with 5 children (one died before he was born). He was "charasmatic jokster". He would get out of most bad situations by making a joke and being charming. He still is the one who you wonder if he is really being real or is it all a show so you feel like everything is OK. When he drinks whiskey, cracks of a person who is not all together show through.
Then there is me - "sensitive girl". I think that is pretty much self explanitory.
Then my youngest brother is married with a new baby boy. He was the "non-serious kid" who will be perpetually 13. He is the one I am closet to - we get along pretty well, and we are well aware when we drop back into our childhood roles and try to make fun of it. . .

Anyway - the main anger is with "charasmatic jokster". Like I said, you can never be sure that he is really be real. And that caused some problems. Maybe I will get into this later.

But now it is a beautiful day and the boy needs to go out and get some fresh air - and I need to exercise to try to get back on the WW wagon.

Short (?) Update of the past two months

Hey there,
OK - when I last posted - my dad had died. Here is a quick (I hope) recap of what has happened since. . .

• Dad died on February 16th.
• I flew home February 17th (Mom decided to wait until spring for the Memorial Service).
• I worked in my office for the next two weeks.
• I went to a business conference the first week in March
• The next Wednesday, I drove up to pick up Mom to stay with me until winter melted.
• Thursday, on the way back home (with Mom), my youngest brother called with news that his Mother-in-law had finally lost the battle with lung/brain cancer.
• Threw my son a birthday party on March 22.
• The next day was Easter. Started out good. . . however, after many phone calls and with the help of some really really good friends, found out my oldest brother had died sometime in the past few days . . . alone . . . and was found on Easter Sunday.
• My youngest brother arrived home from the Mother-in-law's funeral Easter Sunday night - I told him the oldest was dead while he was going through customs (talk about bad timing!)
• The middle child (the brother next older than me) arrived to visit Mom at my home the Monday after Easter. He called on his way and I told him about the oldest death (again, bad timing). He stayed two nights - which meant Mom slept with me (ugh).
• The daughter of the oldest came to stay with me on Tuesday night - causing the middle child to sleep on my too short not to comfy couch (oops - bad planning).
• On Wednesday, got the daughter to finally call a funeral home to start the planning process.
• The oldest brother's dog found a new home with me and my family.
• The week following Thursday, had the oldest funeral - ugh.
• Mom went home with her sister-in-laws on Friday.
• I had two weeks at work - almost normal.
• Last week Friday (4/18) I packed up the car with my son, the dog, my husband, and drove 300 miles up to where my Mom lives. The middle brother flew into the nearest airport and bummed a ride with my youngest brother, his wife and son, up to the same town.
• Saturday (4/19) was my Dad's memorial service in the morning.
• In the evening, my youngest brother and his wife made dinner for everyone - including the not before mentioned second oldest brother who has sort of "divorced" himself from the family. After dinner, we went back to the "lodge" where we were staying (youngest, middle, daughter of oldest, and our families) and after we got the children in bed, my husband proceeded to fall asleep on the couch while the rest of us drank some beers and played some pool and generally analyized our family. However, the middle child found some whisky along with the beer and proceeded to get very authoritative (the nice word) about everything. I have spent the better part of the past week being pissed at him - but that is my deal at the moment.
• Drove home 300 miles on Sunday.
• Went back to work on Monday - for a really long week at work.

I have decided that my family has some huge communication problems, however, I have not yet came to the decision that I must be the one to try to bridge the gaps (if it is even possible). I am still mulling that one over. We are also waiting for the state-side funeral/memorial for my youngest brother's mother-in-law's funeral. Hopefully, we will be done for a while.

All I can say is that it has been a sucky 2.5 months.

It didn't help that I finally blew up at my husband this morning about how non-comforting, non-helpful he has been. I may go into greater detail later - maybe. I may decide it is totally boring - who knows.

Well, I gotta get my boy in bed - so . . . 'night!