Anger

I was thinking during the night that I have too much anger in me. Why during the night - well, it becomes an easy time to think when the 3-year old decided to keep calling my name from 11:30PM - 2:30AM. I still don't know what his issue was, but he settled down after I finally caved and gave him some children's acetaminophen.

Anyway, as I said, I have too much anger. It is not from one source either - which makes for a challenge to figure out how to deal with it. The major source is my husband. He is very well aware that I am not happy with our relationship, yet he does not feel compelled to try to help make it better. Apparently he his happy with the situation and is not going to do anything to muck up what he thinks is working rather well. We pretty much go our seperate ways, I go errand running/visiting and such with Gunga (the 3-year old) every night and every weekend. The husband works nights (10PM - 6AM) usually M-F with weekends off. However, if I am home he is incapable of staying awake. The strange thing is that, when I am gone errand running, he seems to have boundless energy and goes here and there visiting his friends/family and doing what he likes. I still don't know how we got to this arrangement - but it makes me angry that I am not important enough in his life to stay awake for, or even spend time with.

Another source of anger is my older brothers. If you weren't totally confused by the last entry - I commend you. If you were - here is a brief (HA) recap:

I have 4 brothers - 3 older - 1 younger.
The oldest passed away last month - rather unexpectedly. He was regarded in our family as the "know it all" and had an answer/solution for everything.
The next oldest is married with 3 children. All of them seem to have lost their social skills (provided they had any to begin with . . .). He was "shadow boy" - always trying to outshine "know it all" and prove he was just as smart and deserving. He probably always felt like he got the short end of the stick.
The brother just older than me is the middle child. He is married with 5 children (one died before he was born). He was "charasmatic jokster". He would get out of most bad situations by making a joke and being charming. He still is the one who you wonder if he is really being real or is it all a show so you feel like everything is OK. When he drinks whiskey, cracks of a person who is not all together show through.
Then there is me - "sensitive girl". I think that is pretty much self explanitory.
Then my youngest brother is married with a new baby boy. He was the "non-serious kid" who will be perpetually 13. He is the one I am closet to - we get along pretty well, and we are well aware when we drop back into our childhood roles and try to make fun of it. . .

Anyway - the main anger is with "charasmatic jokster". Like I said, you can never be sure that he is really be real. And that caused some problems. Maybe I will get into this later.

But now it is a beautiful day and the boy needs to go out and get some fresh air - and I need to exercise to try to get back on the WW wagon.