Stuck in a rut

I am in a negative pattern right now. Don't want to work to look/feel better, but hate the way I am looking/feeling. Sucks.

My 25 college reunion dinner is coming this Friday - and while I am excited to see my good friends, the old insecure wallflower is coming out. It is a weird thing.

At work I am confident, able, knowledgeable, relied upon, even respected (who would have thought?). At home I am loved, sought after (by my son), and even a little bit feared (don't mess with me type of fear). With the people I see all the time I am LMS (little Mary sunshine) - always looking for the best, funny, fun, and solid.

But thinking about going to this dinner - I don't want to go in alone (even though I have traveled for work alone a lot) - I am sure that nobody will remember me (except for that core group of simply awesome people with whom I have kept in touch) - and I am nervous that people will remember me, but then think to themselves "what the hell happened to her?" and "why is she here alone - where is her husband?"

How do you tell people that your marriage sucks, and that your husband would rather do anything than go to a reunion dinner with you (or anything I consider important/fun). And that you are seriously thinking of telling said husband that he can just go piss up a rope (or on an electric fence (which he did as a teen)).

Anyway - that is going on in my head - and don't know to get it to stop...

Then, on the opposite end of the spectrum is my son. He is getting so big/funny/smart. He is in first grade, and a major part of the teaching is writing. They have this writers workshop that they do every week. The are not interested in spelling/grammar and such - just getting the kids to start writing - formulating stories, beginning-middle-end stuff and just writing. My son has always been the putzy kid who didn't finish or spent too much time drawing a picture to finish his story. Well, last night, after I tucked him into bed, he snuck downstairs and took a dry erase board and wrote the following:

MOMY I am awak dot git MaD wen you see tIs Not sIN Her Yus or No Put the asr IN the box weN You see tIs Not

Translation: Mommy, I am awake. Don't get mad when you see this note. Sign here yes or no. Put the answer in the box when you see this note.

The whole thing was he was trying to figure out if I was going to be mad that he was still awake. I was a bit upset - but still amazed at this note. I will try to figure out how to upload the photo I took of it once I get it downloaded from my camera. Way cool...

And two years later...

I am still here - plugging away at my life.
What has happened in the past two years? Let see... maybe a list...

• Got my official promotion to a regional role in Jan. 2010 (after working in that role unofficially for 9 months).



• Received a small increase in salary - still nowhere near what my ex-boss was making when he retired. But, hey, it isn't all about money - right?



• Have gone to Las Vegas again (went in July 2009 also) and plan to go again in 12 days (not that I am counting - - - - - ok I am counting)



• Got my son through 4K and 5K with few issues (other than he is an active boy who likes to push the limits and not listen).



• Managed to put up with the most selfish man on the planet (my husband) - however I am getting very close to the end of that rope. The words "I am done with being unhappy and unappreciated and left alone" are at the tip of my tounge - along with the "D" word. I just need to get over the fact that it will be hard and painful and just rip the damn bandage off...



• Dealt with my Mother staying with me for two winters - and almost losing my mind both years. Along with dealing with her was dealing with the husband's and boy's issues with her staying with us. She is a very opinionated negative "poor poor me" person. Not something I deal well with for extended periods of time. Especially when I am called critical and negative by her - like the pot calling the kettle black here!



• Helped my mother find an apartment near where I live, listen to her as she sold her home (which is a miracle in that area of the country) and move down here last spring. Now instead of having her live with me this winter - I will deal with the "I'm lonely" phone calls and the "I don't want to drive in the snow so can you pick this up, or take me here" type of phone calls.



• Become so damn busy at work that I am getting burned out (there I said it...). They have yet to replace the local position I was promotioned out of (does that make sense?). So I am currently doing two jobs (or rather large portions of two jobs - I have let a lot of stuff "slide"). There is light on the horizion that we should be hiring to fill the local position in a few months - but I am not holding my breath here. I like the color blue - just not as a skin tone... haha...



• Haven't given up the weight loss thing - even though I have been messing around with the same 5-10 lbs. I am exercising more regularly, at least 10 minutes every morning, and I have noticed an improvement in my energy level, but the pounds are clinging on. I need to get control of the food - and just don't have whatever it is to do that... not at the moment at least.



• Become a bit more active in my church. I am now on the monthly rotation of creating the service powerpoint slides, and while it does take a bit of time, I find that I have fun doing that and it is a nice break from numbers and spreadsheets.

OK - I can't think of anything else that is list worthy - at least right now. So, not a very impressive list, but still better than growing roots out of my ass while spending every day glued to a butt ugly recliner watching old tv reruns and playing hand held solitare. Let's hope it isn't two more years before the next post.

If it is Thursday then I am Tired

Yes, I am tired.
It has been kind of a slow week at work - only 38 hours so far. Working hours.
The week started out a usual, until I got the request to fill in for my boss's boss (BB) at a meeting on Wednesday. So, part of Monday was spent going over information needed for the meeting, calling people requesting information, then calling again to get clarification on the information, then putting it all in a file. The rest of Monday was spent doing all the regular Monday stuff.
Tuesday was spent working on the file, talking with BB on his cell phone whilst he was stuck at the airport, calling for more details, and back-up for the details and so on. It was a long day - I left work at 7:00pm
Wednesday I spent the entire day in my office - waiting for the call for my part of the meeting. I was on edge hoping it would go well and the VP on the other end of the call was in a good mood. They finally called at 1:20, and for 45 minutes I was the focus of their attention. And, not to sound full of myself, I did pretty darn well.
Today was spent trying to motivate myself to get something, anything done. I have lots of little things to do, and they wouldn't take too much time, but I think I may have been a bit burned out.
The big thing accomplished today was that I got 14 of the 18 days of vacation I have left this year quasi-scheduled. Quasi-scheduled because something "important" will probably come up and I will have to work around that. If that doesn't happen, then I will be pleasantly surprised.
Well, off to finish watching Survivor, then to get the boy to bed. I will then have a bit of quiet time, then off to pass out into bed. Goodnight.

Labor Day - 2009

I am sitting on the porch, with my Dog, and my friend Peach's dog, and watching Gunga ride his tricycle around and around. We just finished a fabulous dinner of Peach's special chicken enchiladas. YUM! It was a special birthday request from yours truly.

I started the day off from work by bopping into work for a bit to run Monday morning reports that can't wait until Tuesday. Yes, ironic. But then, that it how you can characterize my work - ironic.
Then Peach and I did something we haven't done in a long time - we went to the gym. Oddly enough it was pretty deserted - which is good when two pudgy broads show up to walk on the treadmills. I do have a dream of running on one without looking foolish, someday.

Then, Daddy dropped of Gunga and the dog, and we took two dogs, and a four year old to a new dog park. It was fun watching Peach's dog run full out, while my dog just ran after bigger dogs looking a bit desperate. Only one bout of tears when a large white fluffy dog ran up to Gunga and knocked him on his booty. After that, a run through a drive-thru for lunch, and then nap, for Gunga. I took the time to sort through, neatly fold, and mark Gunga's old clothes for the rummage sale in a couple of weeks. I, myself, am amazed I got it done so soon.

It has been a good weekend, and too soon I will be working on seven things at once tomorrow at work. I do have a confession to make, I did bring my work lap-top home to try to organize my to-do list and clean out old e-mails for the week. I hope it works. And, if I get that done, then maybe, just maybe, I will have time to play my DS a little bit tonight.

Goals

I have been stuck trying to lose weight for about 18 months now. I have been going to WW, and have, at least, been successful at not gaining too much weight back - about 12 pounds now. This mornings meeting was about setting goals, and how little goals add up to big weight loss.

So, here is my goal (I hear if you put it in writing, you have a much higher percent chance of achieving said goal. . .):

I don't want to have to buy new jeans - so the goal is to lose 13 pounds so that I can comfortably wear the jeans I own.

There you go.
I'll keep you informed of the progress.

One Year Later . . .

Um, yea, a whole year (and then some) has gone by . . . oh well.
Let's see, what is new?
Well, Gunga is now 4, and fully potty trained. Thank Goodness!
He will be starting K4 next month, and I just signed him up for a class at gymlingo.

Nothing new with the hubby - - so status quo. Things were a wee bit difficult from mid October until the end of December. He fell at work and fratured his knee-cap. He was on crutches and off of work the whole time! Needless to say, it caused me more work, and less money to pay bills.

My Mother came and spent the winter with us - which was both good and very bad. She was/is still in full grief mode and watch out for anybody trying be "little mary sunshine" around her. I made that mistake - once. Found out later that she thought I was telling her not to greive anymore. Needless to say - she got that totally wrong. I was trying to get her to find a way not to be so sad when hearing gospel music. I will never do that again! It was a long 5 and a half months. We both agree (not to each other mind you, but to impartial third parties) that if she comes down again, she is getting her own place.

I got a quasi-promotion at work. Quasi-promotion you say? Yes, more responsibility, more people to answer to, more people to answer to me, but no title change and no pay increase. My ex-boss, who went through the same kind of quasi-promotion until it was offical in January, is working on the title and pay increase, even if I am not able to get any help with the old responsibilities. It is going pretty well, but pretty soon somebody is going to have to help out with some of the weekly stuff. Which reminds me, I should really start a proceedures book for reference. In my spare time.

Other than that - still struggling with trying to lose weight. I even joined a gym (which I haven't been to in about a month). I am not giving up, because then the fat would win - and that is not acceptable! Also, sometimes I feel like my life is totally out of control, but then Saturday happens and I find I have a bit of time to breathe.

Well, time to go flip the tortillas I am crsiping into chips and then dinner (one of my favorite meals of the day :)).

My Son Likes to Potty All The Time . . .

Well, not really.
Well, at least not yet . . .
Yes, we are the in middle of the potty training push.
We had put Gunga in the now fashionable pull-ups awhile ago, and started potty training when the opportunity arose. What does that mean? Peach would work with Gunga when he was at her house in the afternoons, I would try on the weekends (without much success) and Daddy . . . well, Daddy pretty much did nothing other than declare to Peach at the drop off that Gunga had either "Peed his pants" or "Pooped his pants" pretty much every day.
So, it was after two separate pre-school teachers came up to me on two separate days with-in a week of each other to inform me that Gunga would not be able to move to the next room until he wore underwear (which I was fully aware of - thank you!)that training began in earnest. Well, after I had a the obligatory "I am a bad mother my son is not potty trained yet" melt-down.
The good news, we are making progress. He is staying dry most days - other than yesterday which seems to be a pee in the pants fest day (he spent part of the morning and afternoon with Daddy alone). The big hurdle left? Yep, you guessed it - the Poos. We have yet to have the "magical poo on the toilet" as Peach says. The stickler in this whole poo thing - he is a stealth pooer. He will continue to play right in front of us, no grunting, or pausing or anything, he just poos. He doesn't really even stop talking. So that is the potty training woes. I'll keep you updated.